My Life with the Paparazzi ...

Yes, The Paparazzi !!!

I suppose if you're beautiful and or famous, there's a chance that you might elevate yourself to a status in which you are chased and followed by the Paparazzi ...

I'm here to tell you that there has never been a time in my life where I would want that. I, in fact, have never liked my picture taken by anyone. Until now ...

The other day I asked Tim if I could look through his phone to see if he had a picture I would like for a new FB profile pic. Well, I found one and so much more. It seems that my Tim has taken up being the iPhone "paparazzi" in my life since he retired in October. 

 No, no, no ... These are not glamour shots, but they do "catch me" as I am.  They "catch" me as I was and they just plain "catch me" ...

ME, the Beach and my iPad ...

ME, and the girls ...

ME, Ninja Painting ...

ME, Sweeping ...

ME, cooking at Matt's ...

ME, chillin in Mexico ...

 ME, Pups, Hammock and iPhone Necking ...

Shhhhh ... Secret Santa!

ME, "What beers do you have on tap?"

No, I'm not anyone who is elevated to the level of being chased by the "Paparazzi" ... But then again,

I don't need to be. I have my very own ... Tim!

She was my Sister and She's Gone ...

~ Becky and Me ~

She was my Sister ...

Becky was born on November 11, 1962. I was three years young. She was the fourth girl to be brought home from the hospital and she seemed perfect.

As the legend goes ... 

When Becky was 3 months old, she began to show signs that something was wrong.

Wrong?
Yes, very wrong.

She was diagnosed with a hole in her brain where it had not developed. She began to have grand mal seizures.

At that time, not much was known about what was then called profound mental retardation and epileptic seizures. As a consequence, Becky suffered a static grand mal seizure when she was two years old that took everything away. She lost cognitive abilities and her speech.

I remember when that happened and how we'd lost our sister. Then, one year later, my parents and bully grandparents made the decision to place her in a home that was not our own. It's unimaginable to think of being six years old and my sister just went away ...

Gone.

A lot was lost with that decision that we as a family will never be able to get back. There is a lot of pain. The Doctors told my parents that Becky would not live past age six.  Well, she did. She lived her life for 46 years past six and then she began to decline.

The past three months have been rough. When the phone rang, we knew it was about Becky and it was bad. After nine 9-11 calls and trips to the emergency room in 8 weeks, we were in crisis mode.  That came to an end exactly one week ago today. She passed away under the care of a "Hospice Angel." She died in her sleep.  I knew it was going to happen, but when the hospice nurse called at 4:30 a.m. to tell me she was gone ... I was overwhelmed with that feeling again.

Gone.

You see, she was my sister. She was the sister I knew. The sister I didn't know. The forgotten sister who was never forgotten. The sister I knew we'd have to take care of after my Mom passed. But for this ending, things happened out of order and instead, she's just gone.

Gone.

She had no husband, children or even a first grade education. She had no friends or foes. She had no debt, never drove a car, had no idea what a computer or a cell phone was. The Internet? Nope. There were no dreams unfulfilled or "bucket list" ...

She's nearly untraceable. Her entire footprint on society is one social security number. That's it. She will be remembered, though. All the staff,  therapists and doctors favored her. She wasn't able to do much with a cognitive ability of 12 months, but she had a strong spirit. She was opinionated and she knew what she did and didn't want. You see, she was my sister ...

It's been one week. It's felt like a lifetime. A lifetime of tragedy, a lifetime of pain ... My lifetime. 

My heart aches for her and  for my older sister, Debbie who I am sure has found her and has taught her about 70's rock and roll, that "girls like to party" and I am positive that  Becky has already had her first beer. Deb would never believe pot will be legal. I sure wish I could tell her that.

Goodbye, Becky. For all your struggles and suffrage through life ... I'm happy you didn't know about the ugly side of the world. I'm glad you left this world as innocent as you arrived. You leave this earth unscathed by the knowledge of all the things that went on around you in the 52 years you were here. That gives me peace.

In my heart, you will never be ...  

Gone.

Your Sis

How's your day?

Hey, How's your day? 

That's a question we all ask and get asked way too little. We can be walking with a storm in our heads, emotions that are exhausted and with life's twists and turns that have left us limp. On top of that, we can be lonely in any given moment.

So that's our side, but what about the other people that cross our paths? The people who wait on us, the people we live with, those we work with, for and against. What about that stranger who's moving slow or without intention. Are they just slow? 

No. 

It just may be that they have nowhere to go or if they did, they don't want to make it there anytime soon. There are those things in life that we wish would be gone by the time we get there.

This week I was at an appointment and the person who I encountered was harsh. Maybe she was having a bad day, maybe that was just her authentic self. Either way, I was having the kind of month day that left little room for harsh. After the appointment, I went to the parking structure and I sat in my car for about an hour staring at the rain ... 

I really don't know why I did that other than I was deflated and could not bring myself to start the car. You see, I've been going through some very difficult things and the way the person acted set me into a sort of paralysis that I don't experience too often.

So ...

Since then, I've put some thought into this. What was it? Was it that she was harsh or was it that I was sensitive? She was harsh. Was it that she made a spectacle in front of other people?

No.

It was because she never ever took me into account. She was so busy and in such a hurry that she was larger than the room. The truth of that is she didn't even see me.

She didn't know that if she had,  she might have been prompted to ask me how my day was going. I would of told her, "Not so good." Maybe then we could have slow danced and there would have been some give and take. Maybe then I could have breathed. 

We've all been on both sides of this equation. We all know how bad it feels to be invisible when we really need to be seen. This is just a reminder that we should pause and look at who we're with. See their eyes, their expression, their spirit and add these three simple words ...

 How's your day?

Life, Lemons and Lemonade ...

Life ...

All the good stuff that makes us happy. The things we feel accomplished from. The times we turn things around and the gratitude we feel when everything is alright.

That's the promise of life's lemons ... we can make lemonade out of them and that can be soooooo good!

Wait ... What happens to the rotten lemons? The lemons that can't even squeeze out a decent drop ... Do they just "roll on by" and go to some rotten lemon place?

No.

Lemons ...

Here's the truth. Some of us get rotten lemons. Not fit for consumption, not fit for lemonade and not full of any promises. Those of us with rotten lemons in our lives can feel isolated, unseen and hopeless. It's not about having a bad day, it's about something in your life that is so sour fucked-up that you can't even find words to describe how it makes you feel.

How about when we get rotten lemons for family? When we're young, we don't know what to do. We feel hurt, we feel pain and we feel shame. The journey through shame as a child can be crippling. It feels unfair, it feels heavy and it definitely feels rotten.

So what can we do? 

Try sorting your lemons. Find a place to separate those rotten lemons in your life. Most likely they have been so powerful  that they even have a voice that you replay in your head. "Why did I get a bad father?" "Why didn't my mom care?" "Why didn't I matter?" "I wish I was special." "I wish I had a family."

Lemonade ...

The truth about this "lemon thing" is ... you can have a good father by being one or marrying a man who is a good father to your children. You can have a mom that cares through who you marry or being one yourself. You are special and you do matter if you can find a way to love yourself. And ... go ahead and create the family you deserve.

Life, Lemons and Lemonade ... You get to choose.

What is beauty?

Beauty?

Imagine a world without reflection. NO way to know what we look like. No glass, No puddles, No cameras, No selfies, No good, bad, neutral or "magic" mirrors ...

Let's say I'm walking down the street and I see "you." I might entertain the thought that I look  just like "you." You might think you look like "me." Then what?

Well, firstly, we couldn't label each other. I can't think, "she's ..." because that means I'm "..." How great would that be? Think how lovely our world could be if we threw out judgement and mirrors ... We could just get up and go!

Beautiful!

What is beauty and why is it in the "eyes of the beholder?" ...  Isn't beauty what we radiate like the warmth from the sun? I don't mean physical, a face or body ... I'm talking about the beauty that comes from inside. The "light" that really draws us to people.  Now that's beauty! 

If we remembered that bodies are just the "vehicles" we were given to mobilize our spirit and soul ... we'd begin to see that judging and labeling a human being based on their physical appearance is comparable to us judging someone by the car they drive.

Silly!

It might be natural to assume that I'm only talking about judging people less fortunate in the "looks" department. No. That would be incomplete. "Beautiful" people get labeled just as much and is that any fairer?

 No!

I'll admit that I've done plenty of "judging" and I've been "judged" plenty of times. One thing for sure, neither feels good. I'm consciously changing that. First by trying to "catch myself" and second by trying to "deflect" the incoming bullshit from assholes others ...

You with me, beautiful !?!